A journey filled with frustrations, testing of patience, and an unexplainable love for the students encapsulates my second month at my workplace. I'm incredibly thankful that God has been gently using this season to prune and mold my heart into one that realizes the beauty of relying on Him when I'm at my wit's end.
I thank the Lord for the opportunities to have deeper conversations within the realm of my work environment. The school went on an excursion, and I got to chat with one of my colleagues the whole bus ride there. We both mentioned that it was so nice getting the chance to know each other better since there's rarely any chance to do so during school hours. She's such a sweet and mature half irish teacher, and her love for her students is evident in their genuine response and respect towards her. I learned that she's a catholic, but she did acknowledge God and praised Him for different things in our lives! Recently, one of the student's mom blessed the entire school with baked goods! What a thoughtful gesture! I felt so grateful because I happened to bump into her during school dismissal and was able to chat with her for a bit. She thanked us for all our hard work and patience, and was elated to learn that I teach her son! The sheer joy on her face gave me yet another reason to thank God for placing me at this school.
My patience was really being tested this month. I had to teach the 7 to 8-year-olds on one particular day since nearly half of the teachers caught a flu bug. Even though I had worked with these students last month, it has been a while since I taught them. I struggled to get one of the students to do his math worksheet. Nothing motivated him even as I implemented every method I had picked up from my internship experience last year. He would stomp his foot, push the table back, and even point his finger at me rudely. On top of that, my other student started whining and throwing a mini tantrum. She kept pointing to my phone! I felt so confused, especially since there was a communication barrier since she just started learning sign. After a few minutes, I decided to set a timer on my phone for her to calm down. Surprisingly, she started doing her work with eagerness and a bright smile on her face! With the added chaos, I felt hot anger rising in my chest, coupled with an escalated frustration. Without thinking twice, I spoke aloud to that hearing-loss student, "Can you please stop being so stubborn and do your work?" With another timer for him to calm down, I had a moment to compose myself. That was when it hit me. I had been striving to please men all this while! My goal was not to desire to enjoy the learning process with him, but to prove myself capable of gaining the approval of the teacher that was absent that day! Oh how I needed that gentle rebuke again from the Lord to remind me that I just cannot rely on my own strength. It was yet another humbling moment as I realized just how weak I am. It's times like these that I treasure because it allows me to depend wholeheartedly on Christ, for I would have probably been thriving in another job and would have been blinded by the fact that I really need Jesus!
Another incident occurred this month that really shook me- I caught a student watching porn. I vividly recalled snatching the iPad away, and signing a fierce "No, stop, this is bad!" Having to see porn with my own eyes caused anger to well up in me. This student struggled to learn simple math, and yet, he could type all these words with perfect spelling! As I processed that incident with my mom, I was reminded of Romans 3:10-12, "None is righteous, no, not one; no one understands; no one seeks for God. All have turned aside; together they have become worthless; no one does good, not even one.” Oh God, the grace and mercy you lavish on us is absolutely undeserving. May you continue to pry open our hearts so that we may see the depravity of our sin. It's so easy for us to ask, "God, why do you let people go to hell," when we often don't lose sleep over asking, "God, why will you let rebels into heaven?"
On a brighter note, I give thanks to God for the love he has instilled in me to overflow to my students. I've developed a deep fondness for my students, especially the older VI and HL boys and girls. They are so respectful, kind, and fun! They've humbled me through their attitude towards learning and even their genuine care for each other. I was teaching this class math, and whenever I gave them breaks, they would say, "Ms Pollyanna, let us finish up this question first!" I've witnessed a student rushing to another VI classmate to wipe up his spilled water before I could even react, or guiding students with complete VI to get from one location to the next. Oh how it warms my heart to see such selfless love in action! I treasure them so much and they bring me so much joy each day!
Whimsical Interlude
As my birthday was approaching, I started brainstorming ways to make my birthday more meaningful- with a yearning to make it less of self and more of Christ. I think it's often easy to celebrate with immediate family or friends. I started realizing the influential role that older men and women have played in my walk with the Lord and I wanted to be able to convey my gratitude towards them. Planning for my 23rd gratitude evening took a lot of time and cost, but it was 200% worth it! I saw the sheer joy of giving instead of receiving. It was so special to be able to spend my first paycheck in that manner. That evening was absolutely special and memorable. Being able to love and serve these brothers and sisters in Christ was possible only as I reminded myself that it should be less of me and more of Christ. I received so much undeserved grace and love from them. Being able to worship God together in a circle, share my testimony, and hear from their well of wisdom gave me a glimpse of Heaven and is something I will cherish forever! My heart was so, so full. Thank you Jesus for placing these precious fellow believers in my life to remind me that I serve a big God who truly loves me and desires for me to enjoy Him forever! Overwhelmed with undeserved love that evening, an interesting thought flashed across my mind: I really treasure this season of singleness as I'm constantly reminded that Christ is sufficient and He should be my truest satisfaction and fulfillment in life. (P.S. I couldn't stop smiling for nearly 3 hours as I tried to fall asleep that night!)
A woman of grace, unexplainable joy, and a heart that freely gives defines Auntie J, and a whole lot more that I can't put words to. I’ve truly never met anyone more generous than her. She gives without thinking twice and is always seeking to build the kingdom with her time and talents. Her heart is so much bigger than she would ever choose to admit. Her life testimony loudly conveys the sheer grace and mercy of God. She's gentle yet full of grit. This meetup will always be a cherished memory and I can't wait to continue this journey of edifying each other and growing in our conviction of the Gospel! My heart is a whole lot warmer and known because of you, Auntie J!
I had the opportunity to read a book on lament, "Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy" by Mark Vroegop, that I highly recommend every believer to read. Learning to see that lament should be the heartbeat of every Christ follower was comforting as I realized that God, in his kindness, has given us the language of lament, inviting us to bring our raw pain, sorrow, and complaints to him. In his lovingkindness, lament gently reminds us that there is a God we can trust as we realize lament prayers celebrates truth with tears. I'm so thankful to learn the grace of lament with such a sweet community!
One of the little girls I journey with invited me to her birthday party and even gave a touching speech! It's often easy to think that you're the one giving and pouring into the lives you choose to invest, but I'm constantly humbled by how much they have poured into my life and taught me so much about the heart of God! Little E has brought so much joy into my life. She has the most generous heart and is always putting the needs of others before her own. Even though I was an older sister in her friend group, she was so intentional about ensuring that I felt cared for and included. God, thank you. Thank you for placing sweet E in my life!
This sweet girl brought me so much truth-filled encouragement. She has a heart of pure gold! She speaks truth in love, is so rooted in her love for Christ, and seeks every opportunity to edify and encourage me in my walk with the Lord. Oh God knew how much I needed her in my life! My heart is filled with thanksgiving as I reflect on how the Lord has been pruning and tuning her heart to Him. Hearing her share her excitement about missions, surrendering her life to the Lord, and desiring to live intentionally for Christ has spurred me on to keep fighting the good fight and to cling onto the gospel in a world that resists the truth.
Partner Me
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I'm struggling to love the student whom I witnessed watching pornography. It's extremely difficult viewing him with a different lens now that even any ounce of love I generate feels rather counterfeit. Yet, I'm thankful that this incident has helped me to develop a deeper understanding of the extent Jesus took to love and mingle with sinners, despite being the ultimate definition of holiness. Would you pray that I will constantly empty myself and put on love, realizing that love binds everything together in perfect harmony (Col 3:14)?
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Pray that my eyes will be fixated on Christ as I strive to model Christlikeness in my everyday words and actions, whether towards the students or my colleagues. Admittedly, I'm starting to realize how difficult it is to intentionally show Christ, especially in an environment where you see the same people every day. It's too easy to lose sight of my bigger purpose. May the very mystery of the Gospel spur me on to see that my first job is to do the work of the Lord, unlike how the world defines it. Oh Lord, please help me!
